Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Made something I’m not proud of
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.