I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
meow
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids