I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Found my door mat
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Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?