TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Bread puns are on the rise!
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together