“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.