I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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Very good news from my accountant
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.