When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I used to be married, but I’m better now
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid