me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My new favorite headline
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.