me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
mmm onion ringos
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one