Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.