ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword