Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
S O O N
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @