Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Life with a cat in one tweet
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?