Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.