Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”