Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.