@SomthinBoutSara

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

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@IndecisiveJones

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

@djdarrellripley

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@SunshineJarboly

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@Home_Halfway

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

@Be___Dope

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

@GibJimson

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.