I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Breaking news:
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.