I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment


Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….


“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother


one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert


“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool


WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.