a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My dress code is business-casualty.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.