He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
You Might Also Like
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Atheists are Popeless romantics.