[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
You Might Also Like
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
These 3D printers are insane!
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour