@Dawn_M_

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

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@PaperWash

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

@AimeeHelene1

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

@MickSnark

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

@iGreenGod

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@ilovepie84

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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