@Dawn_M_

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

You Might Also Like

@GetLaffs

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@torrami

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

@Psycholane

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

@kidphonic

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

@MohitSharmaSays

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@funflaps

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

@Rich_McCarthy

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?