Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.