Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.



*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched


My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁


Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.


I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!


I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…


Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”


in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful


Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.


Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?