She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?