Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?