In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…