In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later