I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
gentlemen, hear me out
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
the battle rages on
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.