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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth