Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Good advice.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”