given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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watergate? u mean a dam??
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
idk what he going thru but i feel him
#ParentingFacts
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees