I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You Might Also Like
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Always…
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Uh oh…
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.