i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
okay run it by me one more time
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.