If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
There is no “ea” in Tim.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”