Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Breaking news:
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please