Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.