The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.