I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
fired
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.