[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”