When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad