I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.