I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
You Might Also Like
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
drew a comic about my origin story
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.