A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
That’s incredible! 👌
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then