[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
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Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I am also baked goods
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”