Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?