Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
They also CAN sing✌️
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.