To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You Might Also Like
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old