All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
nothing saves money like being antisocial
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting