Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.