Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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Wait a minute
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material