Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
You Might Also Like
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Love it! 👍😂
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
reviewed some movies recently
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too