Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*