Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.![]()
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*