Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
This is my pinned tweet
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……