*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.