The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Oh hi lol
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.