The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.