@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

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@SladeWentworth

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

@JimmerThatisAll

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@Matt_The_1st

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

@duxfeminafacti9

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

@krisv_723

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.