My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.