The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.


“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”


Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.


Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room


Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.


*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?



BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.