The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.