Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
You Might Also Like
me irl
at ease…shoulder.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d