Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk