Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.